Singer Rihanna 'To Star In Battleship Potemkin Remake'

Poppy RnB delivery operative Rihanna has been confirmed to star in the upcoming remake of the early Russian classic The Battleship Potemkin, slated for a 2011 release and very probably a critical slating around about the same time.


It's the realisation of a lifelong dream for the singer, 22, an unreliable source with no discernable link to her said two seconds ago just as I typed it: "It's a dream come true," the source repeated. "The stories about it being an ill-advised big-screen adaptation of the boardgame that I'm not sure that anyone actually plays any more are wide of the mark. Rihanna went for the role because she has long been a fan of early 20th century Russian propaganda, plus there has always been a Bolshevik element to her music – Umbrella was her way of tackling the problems between the workers and the owners of the means of production."

The possibility of working with director Peter Berg was also a draw for the star: "Rihanna is a such a massive fan - after watching his film Hancock she went out and bought all the original Hancock's Half Hours on audiobook. She's always doing The Blood Donor sketch with Jay-Z – that's helped her get into top thespy shape for the part," her 'friend' claimed.  Berg himself is delighted that the singer is on board: "It's great news. I think that many cynics were assuming that this project was going to be a total dog's dinner that sums up the paucity of imagination in Hollywood at the moment, but by announcing that a singer with no relevant experience is the first name we've announced, they'll be eating their words. After a few casting meetings, we discovered that we're both massive admirers of Zombieland star Jesse Eisenberg, who directed the original. Although the Odessa Steps sequence is a seminal and poignant metaphor for the struggle against imperial oppression and human suffering, we both agree that it can only look better once we film it in 3D," the director might have said if we had actually asked him if we'd gone to the trouble of getting clearance from his people.


Sadly not everybody shares the pair's enthusiasm. A spokesman for Sergei Eisentein's estate was unable to muster the energy to give more than the barest of damns about the whole thing, but was somehow able to roll their eyes down the phone at us.